This Abundantly Breathtakingly Beautiful Messy Life

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There is no doubt that this life is both beautiful and messy all at the same time.    We were not promised a life free from pain, we are promised abundance.   Now more than ever we must take care of our minds, body, and soul.   These past couple of years have brought much uncertainty for the world, social media continues to be a constant feed of the pain this world is experiencing.  But there is so much more, this world is beautiful, there is kindness and love that transcends if we just pay attention to the magic all around us.

As I enter the phase of midlife, and look back on my experiences, I have seen much heart ache and pain but also breathtaking beauty.  I have realized that we all have opportunity, but that opportunity may sometimes come with loss or pain.     As I sit back, I ponder if the purpose of us being here is to unlearn everything that has transpired since childhood to bring us to a place that is free of judgement?  We are brought into this life free of judgement but as time ticks by, we develop opinions and biases. 

What if we could be in a state free of condition and judgement?  Peace.  But how easy is it to achieve? 

I truly believe that we need to unlearn some of these conditions and biases to fully let go of judgement to understand how to demonstrate unconditional love for self and others.   Love for self is a challenging feat is it not?

One of the most basic concepts is self-love and at each stage of life may look different.   How can we fully love others if we do not understand how to love ourselves first?    How can we be authentic to ourselves with being able to demonstrate all that has been gifted to us?     

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)   Our own understanding is built by what we have been exposed to by our senses, there is so much unseen that is continually working for our good.   The mind is magnificent yet debilitating all at the same time.   We are asked to come and rest, but the action of rest requires perseverance. Perseverance of spirt, mind, body, and soul to really be grounded in what is – not what has transpired or is yet to come.

When we experience trials, consider it joy.    Joy and trials all melded together into one. For it is in the imperfect that we truly see how magical this life truly is.  We discover the light that can shine from the greatest difficulty.    His works are perfect, and all his ways are just. (Deuteronomy 32:4)  

We all have our share of experiences that take our breath away, no experience can be compared to another, they are equal in significance.   I too have experienced trials that have rocked my core, taken my breath away, but also offered opportunity to learn and grow:   

• I was bullied in all my school years that impacted how I viewed myself in the mirror – felt unloved and unworthy.   The girl looking back at me wondered if she was truly beautiful.   Years later as I look on that little girl, I would tell her what I know now.  Love comes from within.
• I was physically assaulted by a group of men who took away my sense of self and dignity.  I felt lost and wondered if I would ever find my way back home again.  But there is always hope if we choose to find it.   A light at the end of a tunnel shining the way, one step in front of the other to pull through and find myself again.
• I broke my neck and nearly lost my life at a time that was supposed to be so magical for my family and sons.   A second chance at life emerged with a new perspective.
• I have suffered from depression throughout my life – many would only see a smile of strength and positivity; this is the unseen. Many don’t know what’s behind the smile.
• I have had losses and have had heartache that many in this world.  The loss of my father-in-law suddenly or close family members.  One moment here, the next gone. Moments to make one realize how precious this life can be.

But the question is, do these moments define who I am, or do they contribute to good in my life? Are all things made for good?

As I look back, I see the silver lining that has shone through in all these events.  There was a rainbow that always followed the rain.   Like the moment when I met my soulmate, or the moments my children were born, or the moments where I discovered who was always walking beside me, carrying me, lifting me up if I was falling down.  The moments where we discover love in the pain, love for self, love for others and truly what this life is about.    Sometimes you don’t see the light until you are part or all the way through.  We all have defining moments that shake us to the core and these moments cannot be compared to one another as they are unique to each one of us and have significance in impact.  These moments can offer reflection of change or compliancy and staying on a course that is safe.  Change comes with vulnerability, acceptance, and an action in some cases of letting go and sometimes taking a leap of faith to moving forward.

I have always admired the butterfly – the metamorphosis that takes shape through struggle. To only emerge as something so very magnificent and beautiful.   This can be compared to our flight in this life. Life is but a journey, a journey to self-discovery, self-love, self-compassion, and acceptance of what is – to then to emerge to truly understand how bountiful and full of joy this life was intended to be.    I have recognized that life brings beauty in the most painful experiences.  

I take comfort in knowing that we have something Greater than ourselves allowing us to experience joys and trials to realize the gifts of this life.   Ultimately, I know that this Grand Universe wants me to see myself through the eyes of unconditional love and love myself and live my days with abundance while utilizing the gifts that I have been given.    We are so powerful, and our minds can lift us up or tear us down.    This life is a journey to love oneself and fully accept who we are – our authentic selves.   We each have our own unique gift or blueprint; the key is discovering that it within and sharing it with others.  This is where the true power resides in this beautifully messy life.

I am still working on achieving love for myself every day by actions of grace.  I begin the day with gratitude to ground what is, and then offering myself a cup of grace when I may slip or fall.   Each one of us can only control how we choose to respond; the rest is out of our control and up to God.   Our power lies in our response to what is happening in our lives.

A Heart of Love

“One of the hardest things in life is having works in your heart that you can’t utter.”  – James Earl Jones

 

Tonight I received a text relaying some news that was not easy to receive.     Life stopped short for someone I knew, someone who lived in the moment, and someone who loved her daughter with all her heart and always showed a smile despite difficulty.   

Looking back on the moments I shared with this beautiful lady, I was in shock, unable to utter the words to describe how I felt.   I suddenly began to realize that I am heading into a new phase of life.  A phase in which people will leave me, life is flying by.

I look back on all of the phases in my life, phases as a child, where I couldn’t wait for the school year to end.  The school year would turtle by but then the summer would flash by in a blink of an eye.  As I began university, I couldn’t wait to finish so I could begin my ideal life.  Then the next phases were marriage, kids, a working career, death of grandparents – and before I knew it, there was a women looking back at me that had aged so quickly.  As I look in the mirror, the woman looking back is entering her 40s and I gaze in complete disbelief of how quickly life has gone by.

Through this journey of life, we all have a story to share.  Each story cannot be compared.   There are moments of complete gratification and then moments that hurt so deeply, that the words cannot describe the feelings.  But a question I ponder as I look back in time, what gets us through it all??

I will tell you LOVE.

Love – A four letter word that can push us forward and bring strength to every situation.       It is that simple.

Love for self allows us to give grace for ourselves when we fall.

Love for others allows us to sympathize, identify with, gives us compassion and understanding of the human condition.

Love for our family pushes us through the times where we feel we can’t take that next step forward.

Love for our children drives us to be more and to show adversity in the face of pain.   This love runs through every inch of our souls.

Love for our significant other or spouse, helps us to feel strong when we are weak, and equally bares the burdens we may feel at times.

Love for the Source beyond us.   Knowing that there is something out there (God for me) that is guiding us, directing us on our path and reassuring us along the way.

Love pushes us forward, ushers us in the direction we need to go.     In all of the moments, LOVE is a source that we need to draw from and leverage.   If love can be our navigator, we can always take any step we need to in the right direction.

Today I pause for the love of a friend that smiled every time you saw her, and showed strength.  Moments and time are so precious.   I know she will be one of the most beautiful angels in heaven with her beautiful red hair.

May you pause today and concentrate on the love you have for someone else, and reflect on how fortunate we all are able to experience love in this life.

Dear Lord God, thank-you so much for giving me a heart that feels deeply.  Thank-you for allowing me to reflect on my blessings today.    I pray for those who are going through difficulty and loss, may you bring them sunshine through the rain.  In Jesus Name Amen

Be blessed

Vanessa

Remembering

She glances out the window and realizes all of the time that has passed.    The reflection looking back at her, aged, the lines deepened and reveal the roads she has traveled.    Her thoughts of him come rushing in.

Kindness, a heart of gold, his children were the apple of his eye.   The way he loved and lived, always full of abundance and joy.    A tear begins to form in her eye, and trickles down her cheek.  She wonders why?   Seems so unfair how he was taken so quickly.

She glances at the clock, as the hands move tick tock, she realizes that each second is a choice.     Remembering the past and the precious moments shared trigger so many memories.   The reflection also triggers thoughts around how she chooses to live.   She wants to be immersed every second of every moment in the love for family and friends.    She wants to choose to live now, and not get caught up in the stuff that doesn’t matter.   She chooses love and joy.  To live now and to never take for granted a single second.

She bows her head and pauses to pray for the ones left behind.      Lord give them strength, wrap your arms around them, give them strength and help them heal from the inside out.   Guide them in all things and replace the sadness with joy.

She has been left behind a few times, but remembers the good memories and smiles.   Her heart is thankful that she experienced moments with the ones who rose above.    The moments gave her perspective, great joy, and memories that will always warm her heart.

 

 

dear Vanessa ~ the Season’s in our lives

Life has it’s twists and turns, and sometimes, we feel great loss. Sometimes these moments are unexplainable… Pop by for read about the seasons in our lives.

The beginning of my journey…. To feeling whole again….

In a few days, I will be baptised for second time in my life… As I go back and begin to reflect on what brought me here, I open up a page in my past…..

Faith… One word, describes so much.   I don’t believe I really understood or realized what faith could be until the year 2007.   As a young person, I thought faith was going to church and saying your prayers at night to God.  I wondered if God heard my prayers…  I baptized and raised in the catholic faith.  As a young person I found faith to be somewhat ritualistic, and money drove much of every service.   I believed that if I did something wrong, I would be punished.  I am absolutely sure now, this is not what God wanted for me.

There were many ups and downs in my life.   In my younger years I was bullied from grade 1 to grade 12.  Boys would call me “dog” and bark at me in the hallways in elementary school, and then in highschool it continued, they would make puking noises.   I carried a burden, I believed I was worthless, and did not deserve love.   I do not blame my parents for this, they showered me with much love, it was more so of me not understanding the concept of unconditional love for myself and through God.

For many years I would let the bad feelings in and the good out.    I felt empty and longed to be loved by my friends.   Looking for acceptance externally was something I did on a regular basis.   I was tied in a knot, my feelings pent-up inside.  When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t feel beautiful.  Who was the girl looking back at me?  She wore many masks… I internalized all of the bad words that came from others, I felt empty.

There were many events that followed my teen years, ranging from alcohol and drug abuse to being physically assaulted by a group of men. This was a major low point in my life.  I hated myself, I hated men…. I was full of anger and sadness, and lost hope in religion or faith.   Love was lost…. Forgotten.

But God did not give up on me, he sent me a man full of goodness to love me for whom I was.  A man who was pure of heart and lead by example in his daily life.  A man who loved me for me and showed me how to love myself again.

I remember telling the man who was soon to become my husband that I truly believed that he was an angel sent from to me from God.  I still whole heartedly believe this.  This man motivated me to become more, to start to become whole again.  I tried to push him away but he did not leave my side.  Even these 16 plus years later of being together I thank God every day for bringing him to me.  He has been by my side through the greatest struggles in my life and has held my hand along the way.

On the journey to become whole again, I worked my way through university (as a hairdresser), graduated and had our first baby.

This was the a major gift in my life.  A boy with bright blue eyes, looked up at me and the love overflowed.  We named him Drew, so beautiful, so pure and whole.  This was my first glimpse of what life was really about…Pure, unconditional love. I swore I would never get caught up in the “things” of this life, that my family would be my priority.  Then BANG!  Life began to change as my husband found his first professional job in another city.

It was 2006 as I was striving to balance my family life, in moving to a new city, leaving a job that I loved to bring my family together.  However, the job I would come to became my life. Working long hours, rushing my baby boy to bed, and barely having time to breathe I started losing focus.

I started confiding in God and prayed for help.  I felt weak.  With no friends or family close by, my life start slipping into a crazy and busy state.   Internally I felt that I made the best decision so that my son would see his daddy every day, but I didn’t know where to turn… I felt so tired.  Then shortly there after, in early 2007 my grandfather was hospitalized due to having Pneumonia.  My mom was extremely worried; much of the past few years had been concentrating on nursing her mother to health.  My mother has an innate ability to care for others, giving much of herself in every situation so that others feel better.   She is truly a woman with a heart of gold.

My grandmother had a liver transplant a year before that triggered man emotional issues througout the family.   As I look back in time, I remember the weekend like it was just yesterday, our family had all been at the cabin and had a wonderful weekend.  Mom was worried because she did not want to leave grandpa’s side, but I reassured her that everything was going to be ok.  When we all left the cabin, we all received phone calls indicating we needed to come to hospital where my grandfather was located as soon as possible.   God was preparing me… Instantly my heart sank, I had this feeling that things had gone sideways.  I started praying to God, and asked for strength and help.  I was so scared.

My grandfather was one of the strongest men I knew.  I had this amazing adoration for my grandfather.  I smile when I look back on the memories.  I adored him, I thought he had a heart of gold.  His big blue eyes, and hands of strength, I looked up to him.

When we arrived at the hospital that day, grandpa said that he had a living will, didn’t want to be put on a ventilator, and would not take any food.  His illness had turned into double Pneumonia, and they didn’t think he had long to live.  The pneumonia was complicated by the scar tissue he had on his lungs, which we did not know existed. Scared and frightened, I prayed for strength.  I started really openning my heart to God; I wondered if this was what faith really was….

As my mother, grandmother and I sat in the waiting room I prayed.  I prayed in silence.  I realized at that moment I needed to be the strong one.  As we walked into the room, my grandfather was in pain.  He could barely breathe or talk.   I told him I loved him very much and that he was my favorite, he nodded at me and I know he was trying to tell me the same.  I then told mom and grandma that we needed to take him off of life support that he would never want to live this way.  He was having hallucinations and was so very scared.  I then asked the nurse to send for the priest so we could do the last rites.  My mom and grandma were both shaking and all of us in denial.  I couldn’t believe how quickly this had all spiralled out of control.  And then the moment came when we took him off of life support, I laid my head on my grandpa’s chest and started to cry.   His heart continued to beat, I could hear it, but it was muffled by the cries around me.  His heart continued to beat for 30 minutes.  I didn’t understand how this man left my life in a matter of four days.   Why God? Why?

The pain that I felt in my chest was something I could not describe.  I felt so empty, I cried so hard that night and my husband held me.  I prayed for strength.  That night as I lay in bed feeling empty, a voice came into my head and said “when one life passes another is given”.  I wondered what that was all about…This was the moment for the first time that I think I really heard the voice of God.  Perhaps my ears finally opened?  The next day, tired and weak, I ventured out to get flowers for my mom and grandmother.

Everywhere I looked; there were babies and baby blankets.  The voice came again into my head “when one life passes another is given”.  My young son Drew was with me and at the time he was 3, he knew exactly what was happening around him.  He was so attentive to his mothers’ needs.  He gave me hugs, and told me “mommy don’t worry, grandpa is in heaven”.  How simple… He is in heaven….

Drew to this day is such a very sensitive and attentive boy.  He remembers his great grandpa to this day.  I then proceeded down the isles and passed a pregnancy test – coincident?  Strange, impossible – there was no way I could be… I took the test – and sure enough – I was pregnant.  This was such a pinnacle moment; I realized that God was speaking to me.  I could really hear His voice.  But how could I have the capacity for this right now?  I had no strength, I felt weak.  I did not know this verse then – but this is what God wanted from me:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30 New International Version (NIV))

At this time in my life,  I was overwhelmed, weak, and burdened.  This is where I finally noticed the hand of God that had been directing my life He was always there.  This time He was going to hold me in His hands and carry me through.  This moment changed me for the better, and began a relationship of hope and trust.