COVID – Awakening the Soul

There is no doubt that this life is both beautiful and messy all at the same time. We were not promised a life free from pain, we are promised abundance. Now more than ever we must take care of our minds, body, and soul. These past couple of years have brought much uncertainty for the world, social media continues to be a constant feed of the pain this world is experiencing. But there is so much more, this world is beautiful, there is kindness and love that transcends if we just pay attention to the magic all around us.

As I enter the phase of midlife, and look back on my experiences, I have seen much heart ache and pain but also breathtaking beauty. I have realized that we all have opportunity, but that opportunity may sometimes come with loss or pain. As I sit back, I ponder if the purpose of us being here is to unlearn everything that has transpired since childhood to bring us to a place that is free of judgement? We are brought into this life free of judgement but as time ticks by, we develop opinions and biases.

What if we could be in a state free of condition and judgement? Peace. But how easy is it to achieve?

I truly believe that we need to unlearn some of these conditions and biases to fully let go of judgement to understand how to demonstrate unconditional love for self and others. Love for self is a challenging feat is it not?

One of the most basic concepts is self-love and at each stage of life may look different. How can we fully love others if we do not understand how to love ourselves first? How can we be authentic to ourselves with being able to demonstrate all that has been gifted to us?

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Our own understanding is built by what we have been exposed to by our senses, there is so much unseen that is continually working for our good. The mind is magnificent yet debilitating all at the same time. We are asked to come and rest, but the action of rest requires perseverance. Perseverance of spirt, mind, body, and soul to really be grounded in what is – not what has transpired or is yet to come.

When we experience trials, consider it joy. Joy and trials all melded together into one. For it is in the imperfect that we truly see how magical this life truly is. We discover the light that can shine from the greatest difficulty. His works are perfect, and all his ways are just. (Deuteronomy 32:4)

We all have our share of experiences that take our breath away, no experience can be compared to another, they are equal in significance. I too have experienced trials that have rocked my core, taken my breath away, but also offered opportunity to learn and grow:

I was bullied in all my school years that impacted how I viewed myself in the mirror – felt unloved and unworthy. The girl looking back at me wondered if she was truly beautiful. Years later as I look on that little girl, I would tell her what I know now. Love comes from within.
I was physically assaulted by a group of men who took away my sense of self and dignity. I felt lost and wondered if I would ever find my way back home again. But there is always hope if we choose to find it. A light at the end of a tunnel shining the way, one step in front of the other to pull through and find myself again.
I broke my neck and nearly lost my life at a time that was supposed to be so magical for my family and sons. A second chance at life emerged with a new perspective.
I have suffered from depression throughout my life – many would only see a smile of strength and positivity; this is the unseen. Many don’t know what’s behind the smile.
I have had losses and have had heartache that many in this world. The loss of my father-in-law suddenly or close family members. One moment here, the next gone. Moments to make one realize how precious this life can be.

But the question is, do these moments define who I am, or do they contribute to good in my life? Are all things made for good?

As I look back, I see the silver lining that has shone through in all these events. There was a rainbow that always followed the rain. Like the moment when I met my soulmate, or the moments my children were born, or the moments where I discovered who was always walking beside me, carrying me, lifting me up if I was falling down. The moments where we discover love in the pain, love for self, love for others and truly what this life is about. Sometimes you don’t see the light until you are part or all the way through. We all have defining moments that shake us to the core and these moments cannot be compared to one another as they are unique to each one of us and have significance in impact. These moments can offer reflection of change or compliancy and staying on a course that is safe. Change comes with vulnerability, acceptance, and an action in some cases of letting go and sometimes taking a leap of faith to moving forward.

I have always admired the butterfly – the metamorphosis that takes shape through struggle. To only emerge as something so very magnificent and beautiful. This can be compared to our flight in this life. Life is but a journey, a journey to self-discovery, self-love, self-compassion, and acceptance of what is – to then to emerge to truly understand how bountiful and full of joy this life was intended to be. I have recognized that life brings beauty in the most painful experiences.

I take comfort in knowing that we have something Greater than ourselves allowing us to experience joys and trials to realize the gifts of this life. Ultimately, I know that this Grand Universe wants me to see myself through the eyes of unconditional love and love myself and live my days with abundance while utilizing the gifts that I have been given. We are so powerful, and our minds can lift us up or tear us down. This life is a journey to love oneself and fully accept who we are – our authentic selves. We each have our own unique gift or blueprint; the key is discovering that it within and sharing it with others. This is where the true power resides in this beautifully messy life.

I am still working on achieving love for myself every day by actions of grace. I begin the day with gratitude to ground what is, and then offering myself a cup of grace when I may slip or fall. Each one of us can only control how we choose to respond; the rest is out of our control and up to God. Our power lies in our response to what is happening in our lives.

10 Years ago I experienced a trauma that impacted so many in my life and those that love me. I will say that this trauma has also brought so much grace, and positives although felt like one of the hardest times in my life.

In this life we all go through events that cause us to reflect, decide, and/or determine a new direction or take a new step. I believe this life is much like a metamorphosis. We are all brought to this world without impressions or biases and as life progresses through many of the societal norms we shift and change our perspective. I truly believe that we are here to “unlearn” all of these items and to become whole again, much like a newborn who is seeing everything for the first time without judgement and rather with curiosity. I am on this journey now and have realized all of the traumatic experiences in this life are aiding in the development to become whole again. I am so thankful for the events because they too have made me realize how others may feel as they go through similar events.

While each event is unique to the individual and we can relate to one another, we do not completely know what the individual is experiencing. We do not understand until we complete “walk in their shoes”. However, this is where the human condition is so extraordinary, when we can relate, we can show grace and love for one another. I believe this is truly a primary purpose as to why we are here. Once we can relate, we can be there as a guide or listener. By seeking to understand and showing grace, we all reveal hope. Through the hope, love and grace outshine any difficulty.

Have you ever took a step back and asked yourself why are we all here?

Goodness, grace, and love always reigns when we can come together to share, to compare, to help, to support. It may be something that may seem insignificant to you, but to the person on the opposite side of the table it could be their LIGHT.

I am thankful for the difficulties, as they have helped to make me realize that every breath in this life is a gift. Really taking in each moment and being curious as to what we are learning from the moment are the greatest gifts we are given. This can be in our hardest times as well. I thank and honor this grand universe for the learning opportunities that have helped me soften my heart and open my eyes to the reality of what is.

As I look back to 10 years ago dancing with my sons, and trying to make light of my experience, it brings a few tears. But I give myself grace knowing that my children saw their mother and her resilience in the experience. https://youtu.be/-4j7lE5d0BI

These other two videos were crucial moments as well, and I was in complete fear as what was to come. On the day the halo came off, I found out my hangman’s fracture did not heal, in fact it was worse off than before. https://youtu.be/o23NLhgjZ0g and https://youtu.be/H_5lk01G8y0 . I had so many question of what was to come. What did this mean for me as a mother, daughter, wife that my C1 was still broken, shattered, it didn’t heal? The months that followed I questioned so much, and did not relay my fear to my boys. All throughout the experience I wanted them to see strength, resilience, and that when things happen in our lives we have the power to get through. Today many would not even know I still have a broken neck (C1 stabilized by scar tissue and cartilage) . But I chose faith, and to focus on what I could do vs what I could not do.

There are so many emotions that rush back as I live this again. I am so very thankful for my family through this time, for my husband, mom and dad, my in laws, my brother/sister in law and friends that are like family. The support I was given was what carried me through. The love I had for the ones that surrounded me was my inspiration to know that life does get better. One step at a time…. That is what it takes to move forward and a large cup of grace for ones self.

Today in this COVID world there is a lot going on around all of us, but the items that always stay true is the love that surrounds us from those we call family. This world is full of beauty. There is beauty that exists is in every moment if you chose to find it. I truly believe we are all broken in some way, but the beautiful aspects exist all around us and inside us. The power comes from when we decide to choose that regardless of what is happening, to find the beautiful. It starts by looking in the mirror at yourself.

I did then what I knew to do. Now I know better, I do better. – Maya Angelou

Love Ness