Tag Archive | marriage

Pressing Pause

It’s been a while since I have written.   I do think part of that comes from fear.  Fear that I have nothing to write about as I am on a journey of rediscovery.  Pressing pause and slowly discovering who I am, what drives me, and what values do I navigate my decisions.   Perhaps this is all part of as I enter my 40s, having clear boundaries and making the best use of my time.  I have an analytical mind, I have decided that by pausing my thoughts and quieting the inner voice more energy begins to emerge.  There have been moments where I feel like God’s gentle hand is suggesting that I put pen to paper, so here it goes.

We all are here on this earth for a specific purpose, and all have a journey to share.  Each journey is unique on its own.    Some evolve, some stay constant, and some regress.    It is not for us to judge but to simply watch from a distance.

The chronological path had phases, and each phase was unique on its own.    As I enter my 40s, there is so much I wish I could go back and share with my younger self.    But we can’t go backward in time we can only move forward.    I feel like in my late 30s early 40s the focus is more about my values and the love that I share with those who are closest to me.  Space and time is so precious and it is figuring out how to use the space and time that is the tricky balance.     My husband is so important to me and amidst the craziness, I need to make  that relationship number one.   The time with our children too is precious making sure they hear and learn the things we want them to so that they are set up for success when they leave us.   Our parents, finding and making time to be with them is important because they aging and time is not pausing for any of us.  And then in all of this, having relationships that are unconditional in nature, being around people that share similar values in their lives.  Values that center around family, love and kindness.

Time is like Gold, it is so precious, and how you use it makes all the difference.  I have not figured everything out, I am learning as I walk on this path.  What I do know, is that I deserve abundance and by quieting the voice inside my head, trusting the path is how it is supp0se to be, and focusing on the ones I love – I know that I am walking in the right direction.

I do wholeheartedly wish time would pause, but maybe it is taking the time to pause and reflect when you are in the moment that makes all the difference.

Two are better than One

imageTwo are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NAS)

Over the years I have been lucky enough for almost half of my life to have my best friend by my side. 

What I have realized is that together we are strong.   

We have been through many trials together, and have grown up together.  There are so many moments I reflect on, that without him by my side I would have been lost.  He is strong when I am weak.

The question I ponder as another year passes, is why do so many give up so quickly on the relationship.  

In this day, it seems that individuals are ready to call it quits when things get tough or their partner is not behaving as they would like them to.  The expectations grow and resentment spills into the relationship.

I am sure the statistics are stifling, divorce has become commonplace. What happened to sticking together through thick and thin? I believe that society gears our girls up to thinking that the princess will marry the prince who will carry her off on a white horse in a beautiful sunset.

The reality is, the princess marries the frog or vice versa (dependent on perception).

Marriage is not a fantasy  – it is a commitment.  

  • it takes work from both sides,
  • it takes forgiveness,
  • turning the cheek,
  • biting ones tongue,
  • seeing the good before the bad,
  • and taking a deep breath and letting go.  

I have learned that men and women speak and think quite differently. I have observed that many spouses don’t see divorce coming when it is at their door, primarily because the communication at some point ceases to exist. The female expects the male to “know” what she is thinking; meanwhile the male does not hear any complaints – so that must mean she is happy. Women think very fluidly, everything in life is interrelated. If someone has an issue with her at the beginning of the day, it seems to feed into all areas of her life. Whereas men seem to compartmentalize things, work is work, home is home, kids are kids. So if for example, there is an argument earlier in the day – that moment has since passed – it is not related to the evening time spent with his wife. I know I am talking in a somewhat stereotypical way, but for the most part this is how women vs. men think. Most men see love through intimacy, whereas most women see love through actions (whether it be physical, or words). A marriage break down occurs usually when one side of the equation does not want to understand the other side any more. He/She no longer understands me, no longer acknowledges my feelings, speaks for me…. Do you see the tone? It is the comparison trap. The comparison trap then lends to a sense of entitlement which in turn leads down a road where, the only option is for the marriage to cease to exist. “I am a different person now, we are on different paths”. I often wonder, if the person left the marriage and we were to fast forward down 5-10 years would it be the same pile?

I am not saying that everyone should stay in a marriage – because for some abuse exists, or staying in the relationship causes more harm than good.  

I am no expert, but here are the things I have learned in my relationship:

  • God brings us to the perfect partner that we can learn from and grow with.
  • No one is doing more than the other, we each have our strengths and the weaknesses are offset by the other spouses’ strengths.
  • We both have personalities that complement one another and make us stronger as a family.
  • Leading by example in our marriage will have a positive effect on our children in years to come.
  • My husband is my soul mate and my best friend, we will have times where we will not see eye to eye – but there is nothing we cannot get through together.
  • Resentment only leads to dysfunction within a marriage, and it will not be present in our home.
  • My husband is the greatest daddy I know, and has an amazing capacity for love like no other; I am blessed to have him in my life.
  • We need to seek to understand before judging any circumstance.
  • Work things out together before letting them fester.
  • I have his back and he has mine.
  • And last but not least, two are better than one.

Today I celebrate the strength and love that we share on our 16th wedding anniversary.  Thank-you sweetie for always being there for me.

May you be blessed. ❤

Love One Another

 

love oneWe are asked to love one another…

Sometimes it is hard to love one another isn’t it?   Life gets messy, people are emotional, stuff happens.

But we are asked to respond in love.     Before we can do this, we must love ourselves.   Some may be thinking, I already love myself, its simple.   But do you really love yourself from the inside out?

I believe that in order for us to love ourselves, we must nurture ourselves and not look to external means for validation.   Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you ever feel envy?

  • Do you ever feel jealous?

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then perhaps you need to investigate the why.

It has taken me most of my life to love myself.   I often wondered why this was.   But as I look back, I know that when I looked in the mirror I did not see beauty.   I saw a blank face staring back at me.   I know that it came from believing what others said about me, in my youth and childhood I was bullied.   I would never change that experience for anything in the world, because every moment helps us become who we were meant to be.     Letting go of the external validation was such a big step for me, and not being critical of myself or others was a leap.

Here’s the thing, when we are critical of others, it is simply a reflection of ourselves.   What do you see when you are looking in the mirror?

Really look to understand the why’s ….

I am so thankful for the love of family.   This is something that has carried me through over the years.   For me the definition of family are those that love you unconditionally.    

mom and dadToday I celebrate my parents 40th anniversary, quite a milestone these days.     What have I learned about my messy life, and sometimes messy family?   We love one another with our whole hearts, and although we may not agree and often have fiery conversations, what you see is what you get.     I was reflecting this morning on how we got through all of the difficult times together, and realized it was through our love for one another.   Every difficult time allowed us to discover something about each other.   Love carried us through.  

I am so thankful for the love my parents show to us.   My mom is the kind of women that shows strength in all she does, and at times will sacrifice and go without to extend the hand.   She is the kind of lady that “what you see is what you get”, and does not sugar coat.   I am thankful for this, because I am pretty much the same that way.   I have realized honesty is always the best policy and although some people may not like it, but this is who I am . Both of my parents are hugely compassionate, they would do anything for a friend or someone they love. I am so thankful for this, and although I wear my heart on my sleeve, anyone that knows me, knows I would go to battle for them.   My dad has a heart of gold, he wants to help and lift up.   He likes to focus on the positive and balances my mom’s pessimism at times.   He wants to let go of the past, and move forward onto the future.     Letting go is something huge – a lot of us carry too much weight…. This holds us back from being all we can be.   One of the biggest things I have learnt from my dad is forgiveness.   My dad has forgiven always, and immolated this.   I have a bit of a problem with forgiving quickly, but I truly believe this is why my dad is always smiling.   Although the years show on his face, the lines show happiness. My dad’s strengths can sometimes be my mom’s weaknesses and the opposite is true as well. This is why they balance each other so well.

Love one another.

Love has carried me through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am thankful for the love that made us strong. I am thankful for love that is unconditional.

Loving yourself is always the biggest step forward.   And if you are fortunate enough to find someone to share this life with, likely their strengths are your weaknesses. Remember that we were brought together for a reason. Appreciate all those that have been brought into your life. When I look in my husbands’ eyes, I know he was perfectly made for me.  

Love one another as you would love yourself.   In the good, the bad, and the ugly, ask yourself if you can show love first. It has ripple effects.

May you be blessed today, who can you show some love to today?

Ness

 

Two are better than one ~ celebrating 15 years of marriage

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NAS)

 

Over the years I have been lucky enough for almost half of my life to have my best friend by my side. Many times I have taken him for granted, thinking he would always be there or not realizing how very lucky I was. However, I have been given many opportunities to realize that “two are better than one”.

We have been through many trials together, and have grown with one another. There are so many moments I reflect on, that without him by my side I would have been lost.

Why is it that so many give up so quickly?

Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I thought “this isn’t the person I signed up to marry”. Oh really? Actually I signed up for to death do us part. In this day, it seems that individuals are ready to call it quits when things get tough or their partner is not behaving as they would like them to.  The expectations grow and resentment spills into the relationship.

I am sure the statistics are stifling, divorce has become commonplace. What happened to sticking together through thick and thin? I believe that society gears our girls up to thinking that the princess will marry the prince who will carry her off on a white horse in a beautiful sunset. The reality is, the princess marries the frog or vice versa (dependent on perception). It is not a fantasy, it takes work from both sides, it takes forgiveness, turning the cheek, biting ones tongue, seeing the good before the bad, and taking a deep breath and letting go.  

I have learned that men and women speak and think quite differently. I have observed that many spouses don’t see divorce coming when it is at their door, primarily because the communication at some point ceases to exist. The female expects the male to “know” what she is thinking; meanwhile the male does not hear any complaints – so that must mean she is happy. Women think very fluidly, everything in life is interrelated. If someone has an issue with her at the beginning of the day, it seems to feed into all areas of her life. Whereas men seem to compartmentalize things, work is work, home is home, kids are kids. So if for example, there is an argument earlier in the day – that moment has since past – it is not related to the evening time spent with his wife. I know I am talking in a somewhat stereotypical way, but for the most part this is how women vs. men think. Most men see love through intimacy, whereas most women see love through actions (whether it be physical, or words). A marriage break down occurs usually when one side of the equation does not want to understand the other side any more. He/She no longer understands me, no longer acknowledges my feelings, speaks for me…. Do you see the tone? It is the comparison trap. The comparison trap then lends to a sense of entitlement which in turn leads down a road where, the only option is for the marriage to cease to exist. “I am a different person now, we are on different paths”. I often wonder, if the person left the marriage and we were to fast forward down 5-10 years would it be the same pile?

Which leads me to my comparison trap I fell into…. A few years ago I was living this, I felt like my husband didn’t understand my needs. But in all reality it was I that didn’t understand everything my husband was giving our house hold. I would work all day, and then come home  feel exhausted and resentment would seep in, and an individualistic mentality of my needs should come first. Yes I know, a bit of a dream world and not reality – much like the princess with the prince on the white horse. I was assuming I knew what happened during the day, and judging what was not complete vs. what was. It took me nearly losing my life, and being at home on a day to day basis to really see what my husband was contributing. Thank-you for this perspective God. My husband was teaching my boys life skills, he was teaching them to read, write, laugh, and to tie their shoes. I didn’t realize the extent of it all, while trying to make sure that everything got done in the house so that I could spend quality time with our children. These past two years in our lives have been filled with much trauma, and up and down circumstances in our families’ lives. But through it all love has grown and my love for my husband is so deep.   I have realized:

No one is doing more than the other, we each have our strengths and the weaknesses are offset by the other spouses’ strengths.
We both have personalities that complement one another and make us stronger as a family.
Leading by example in our marriage will have a positive effect on our children in years to come.
My husband is my soul mate and my best friend, we will have times where we will not see eye to eye – but there is nothing we cannot get through together.
Resentment only leads to dysfunction within a marriage, and it will not be present in our home.
My husband is the greatest daddy I know, and has an amazing capacity for love like no other; I am blessed to have him in my life.
We need to seek to understand before judging any circumstance.

And last but not least, two are better than one.

Two are better than one

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NAS)

 

Over the years I have been lucky enough for almost half of my life to have my best friend by my side.  Many times I have taken him for granted, thinking he would always be there or not realizing how very lucky I was.  However, I have been given many opportunities to realize that “two are better than one”.  

Our love goes back to a time, 16 years ago when I was at such a low place in my life.  After being physically assaulted by men, I had no respect for myself or anyone else.  In fact, I remember saying to myself, “I hate men”.   But then, I am sure by the grace of God, I met Ryan.   At the time I was dating a friend of his, not interested in him at all, I met Ryan by chance on his 19th birthday.    (Sitting across from me at subway of all places.)   He couldn’t look me in the eye and was nervous speaking with me.  As I stared at him, I was curious, why was this good looking guy so nervous?  My curiosity was what drew me closer to him.  That night we ended up talking for hours, and for the first time I had a glimmer of hope for the pure heart of a man.  We then began spending more time with each other and I had never felt this way about anyone.   A pure heart and soul and an underlying attraction for him, which was reciprocated back onto me.   Not knowing how to receive this type of unconditional friendship, I pushed him away.   But for some reason, Bigger than me I am sure, he stayed.   I always tell Ryan that God sent me an angel in him to save me from a downward spiral of hate and despair.  I am so very thankful for that.   Ryan stuck with me through my damage, and because he led by example, I wanted to as well.  

We have been through many trials together, and have grown with one another.   There are so many moments I reflect on, that without him by my side I would have been lost.   Why is it that so many give up so quickly?   Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I thought “this isn’t the person I signed up to marry”.  Oh really?  Actually I signed up for to death do us part.   In this day, it seems that individuals are ready to call it quits when things get tough or their partner is not behaving as they would like them to.    I am sure the statistics are stifling, divorce has become commonplace.  What happened to sticking together through thick and thin? 

I believe that society gears our girls up to thinking that the princess will marry the prince who will carry her off on a white horse in a beautiful sunset.   The reality is, the princess marries the frog or vice versa (dependent on perception).  It is not a fantasy, it takes work from both sides, it takes forgiveness, it takes turning the cheek, it takes zipping your lips form time to time.  

I have learned that men and women speak  and think quite differently.  I have observed that many spouses don’t see divorce coming when it is at their door, primarily because the communication at some point ceases to exist.  The female expects the male to “know” what she is thinking; meanwhile the male does not hear any complaints – so that must mean she is happy.    Women think very fluidly, everything in life is interrelated.  If someone has an issue with her at the beginning of the day, it seems to feed into all areas of her life.  Whereas men seem to compartmentalize things, work is work, home is home, kids are kids.  So if for example, there is an argument earlier in the day – that moment has since past – it is not related to the evening time spent with his wife.   I know I am talking in a somewhat stereotypical way, but for the most part this is how women vs. men think.   Most men see love through intimacy, whereas most women see love through actions (whether it be physical, or words).    A marriage break down occurs usually when one side of the equation does not want to understand the other side any more.  He/She no longer understands me, no longer acknowledges my feelings, speaks for me…. Do you see the tone?  It is the comparison trap.  The comparison trap then lends to a sense of entitlement which in turn leads down a road where, the only option is for the marriage to cease to exist.  “I am a different person now, we are on different paths”.  I often wonder, if the person left the marriage and we were to fast forward down 5-10 years would it be the same pile?  Which leads me to my comparison trap I fell into….

A few years ago I was living this, I felt like my husband didn’t understand my needs.  But in all reality it was I that didn’t understand everything my husband was giving our house hold.   I would work all day, and then come home and because my husband worked shift work, would expect the house to be clean, supper made, and everyone smiling…. Yes I know, a bit of a dream world and not reality – much like the princess with the prince on the white horse.    I was assuming I knew what happened during the day, and judging what was not complete vs. what was.    It took me nearly losing my life, and being at home on a day to day basis to really see what my husband was contributing.  Thank-you for this perspective God. 

My husband was teaching my boys life skills, he was teaching them to read, write, laugh, and to tie their shoes.  I didn’t realize the extent of it all, while trying to make sure that everything got done in the house so that I could spend quality time with our children.   These past two years in our lives have been filled with much trauma, and up and down circumstances in our families’ lives.   I am so very thankful for the perspective these past two years have shown me.  I have seen a side of my husband that most people do not get to.  I had to walk a few weeks in his shoes to really see what he was doing for us as a family.   

My perspective has changed over the past two years, to one of forgiveness of myself for judging and for falling into the comparison trap.  I cherish my husband and every day, I look forward to seeing him and being next to him at the end of the day.  In 2011 I could not hug or have skin on skin contact because of being within a halo, this too was something I took for granted.   There are many things I have learned over these past two years, which has deepened our marriage:

  • No one is doing more than the other, we each have our strengths and the weaknesses are offset by the other spouses’ strengths.
  • We both have personalities that complement one another and make us stronger as a family.
  • Leading by example in our marriage will have a positive effect on our children in years to come.
  • My husband is my soul mate and my best friend, we will have times where we will not see eye to eye – but there is nothing we cannot get through together.
  • Resentment only leads to dysfunction within a marriage, and it will not be present in our home.
  • My husband is the greatest daddy I know, and has an amazing capacity for love like no other; I am blessed to have him in my life.
  • We need to seek to understand before judging any circumstance.
  • And last but not least, two are better than one.

Two are better than one; I am learning this for the first time being away from my husband for a month.   Together we are a team that is unbeatable.  I feel energized to have him near, our family thrives on unity.   However, I am doing the best I can do, and relying on God to be in the driver’s seat every day to carry me through.   But every day, I count down until I see him, and so do our precious children.   Their daddy is like no other to them, they look up to him in every way.  I am the mama that kisses the wounds and nurturers the sadness and disappointment.   Two are better than one.